I am not very sure...

I am not very sure anymore on how things work.
Things that I am sure of I know I can get it to work
I fret on the normal daily things
I sense the lack of joy

I do not know what brings you joy
I do not know what makes you smile
I do not know what brings you happiness,
Not anymore

I can no longer do that
I can no longer make you smile
I can no longer do the things that make you happy anymore

What am I
Who am I
When am I

Feel the sadness
Feel the pain
Feel the hurt
It won't go away

I swallow and see the light
I mellow and realise
There is nothing
There is nothing I can do
To make you smile again

Things that are top of my I DO NOT AGREE WITH

To put it lightly, its things I totally dislike, hate, has serious contempt issues with and do not wish to comment further on.

1)People smoking in lifts
2)People smoking in small spaces
3)Spitting in public places and onto floors
4)Impatience (do please do not expect me to be patient with you either)
5)Cursing and swearing or using foul language. (It took me 2years to mellow down and get rid of that habit so do not say that its not possible, not able to, its hard. BS!)
6)Without emphathy
7)Not bothering to listen
8)Not telling the truth
9)Self centered
10)People who stand in lifts and stare at you while you are waiting for them to exit (STUPIDITY)

These are the things that have been p***ing me OFF and leave me be!
S** OFF

Conversations with my daughter,19months

My daughter Elayna turned 19months recently and the best part of it all is how we have managed to make sense of her single words.

Early Morning
E: Mama! Mama!
Me: Good morning Elayna!
E:Bao Bao(carry)*pats at her crib rail*
Me: alright.hang on.
E:hmm(acknowledgement that her instructions are carried out)

Mid Morning
E: MaMa!
Me: Yes Sweetheart?
E:mum mum.
Me: You want to have breakfast? What would you like?
E:*points to cornflakes at top of shelf* mum mum
Me: Okay, but you have to finish it. And she does

Late morning
E: Ba! Ba! *points to the tv*
Me: Not Barney again!why don't we watch Jess?
E: Nooo (her no's are amazing clear)
Me: well say please
E:pease *while holding up her pointer finger* (totally my fault, but that's another story)
Me:*sighs quietly* thinking I reap what I sow
E: *claps and points to the DVD player* Bao Bao!
Me: Carry? then how do I put the DVD in?
E: *Problem solved - she takes the DVD disc, pulls it out from the case and puts it into the DVD player and pushes the open/close button* (I am not exaggerating or lying)
Me: *sighs quietly*

Noon
Me: Elayna are you hungry? Its lunch time.
E: mum mum....*points to the door* Bao Bao
Me: Lets go!

The more I write, the more I realised she's able to tell me to do things that she wants me to do...

Bedtime
Me:Elayna, its time for bed. Say good night
E:*waves her goodbye, gives a flying kiss goodnight* and toddles off towards the room
Me: Time for bed, drink milk and sleep alright. Mummy will read Percy Jackson to you.
(no kidding, I do read Percy Jackson to her. She just likes the sound of my voice but lately she has learnt to recognise the Percy Jackson book covers. and its been about 2mths and we are still on book one)
E:*pushes away milk bottle*
Me: Just abit alright and Mummy will read Percy Jackson to you
E:*Looks at me, flips over to her tummy and sleeps with her head on pillow and opens her mouth*
Me: Good girl
E:*done with milk and now settles in by rubbing her face onto her pillow and points to PJ book)
Me:Okay, mummy will read to Percy Jackson to you.

Conversations with my daughter...there are limited words she can say but I think by taking time to slowly understand what she wants or needs I think we'll get through.

The conversations we share now, I treasure them every single day!

The hardest thing

Many people have found it really hard to find love, happiness, joy and peace. Whenever I think of who I have around me, what I do everyday, I know I am one of the lucky few who have found love,happiness, joy and peace.knowing all that I have is enough and knowing that what lies before me is happiness enough. I may want alot of things but I know it's not what I need.I have all that I need and anything else that I have would be a bonus!so live a life!

Father's Day

Father's day is coming up.when exactly is it,I am not too sure.since my dad passed away 20 odd years ago, I have since lost touch.I would like my baby girl to be able to celebrate lots of father's day along with her daddy for many many decades to come.love you daddykins! Love you!

One of such days

Today is just one of such days where I miss spending time with my baby and hubby.I like to be able to go out together have some fun and watch a movie.Baby E has been standing before the tv each time Shrek forever after comes on.I'm now wondering if I should bring her to watch it.she's 15mths but I wonder if she is ready for the giant movie screen yet

Much About Nothing

There is nothing much lately for me. There are things that are coming up and its kinda exciting and I am looking forward to it with anticipation. But then there are also other things that I have to consider and manage well. I do multiple roles and duties and the responsibilities that I manage are kinda tight at the moment. Although I got everything under control but sometimes I wish that the targets that I have can be met.......

E is down with a cold with slight fever and I am kinda worried that it may get worse. haizz

But already booked tickets for Chicago tonight so haizzz....

The little things ~ As long as they believe

People who think that working is tough, wait till become a mom. You are a full time teacher, discipline master, care-giver, resource locater, motivator, cheerleader, 24/7 on standby..the list never ends.

I enjoy what I do today, my role as a mom, my work and what I do. I am the happiest when I am around kids seeing how they go leaps and bounds. They allow me to see how much potential they actually have within themselves.

Especially with E now. As I see her grow day by day. The words she speaks and the things she do, makes me cheer and laugh. I enjoy cheering her on her success and getting upset with her with every fall. (Thankfully, she has slowly gotten more steady).

She is now learning how to walk and this little thing we take for granted called walking has brought about many things I appreciate in my life. The little things. How easy it is for us to walk, but how difficult for little her to start to lift her feet up to just walk.

Reminds me of the children that I coach in classes. They come in the same way. They all are like babies that are just starting out and learning. Many a time, some of us take it for granted that we can simply so something with a snap of our fingers but then again, we have to be reminded that sometimes somethings are not as easy as they seem to be. At 13mths, E should be walking but she is fearful that she will fall. So we encourage her, applaud her each time she stands and takes a step with our hands reached out.

The motivator, cheerleader that I will be. I stand and look forward to the potential that they all can achieve. As long as they believe.

She's turned 1!

She has finally turned 1 yrs old! My Baby has reached a significant milestone in her life and I think its one of the biggest things that ever happen to my life!

I think her turning 1 is one of the happiest moments in my life. It makes all the late nights, late awakenings and middle of the night cries and her moments of laughter and joy. Her cheekiness and cheerfulness, her frustrations when learning something new and not getting it.

At one year old, she often demands her way and her doting grandparents often give it. As parents we try to strike a balance in order to raise a child who will not be spoilt but discipline. Patient not rushed.

I firmly believe in the ability in untapped potential. That is why I often get her to try and try. Not to give up but to try her way and also for her to try to do new things.May it be crawling for something, climbing but I think there is a balance to be made. At one year old, my only concern now is her health and development. Nothing else worries me now. So I want her to know that Mummy loves her and wishes all the best for her this milestone 1yr!

Finally!

Lots of Finally this week!

1) I finally managed to have my email transferred to my netbook! Yippee! no more dinosaur!
2)Planning in progress for Elayna's birthday party!
3)Got all the goodie bags for kids and the party deco!
4)Settled all the invites but pending some ppl who have not replied.

So I think quite a few stuff got accomplished this week and I am immensely happy about that. Now I just need more rest..

CNY was hectic, I mean not that there was alot of visiting to do but the part where I had to visit and look after my daughter was really the tiring part. And she did not Nap at all!

She was that excited! hahaha...I am happy to see that she was involved in all the excitement with CNY and now looking forward to her birthday this coming weekend!

Cheers!

Little things in life

Last night I was teasing H about 'push gift' for me. For those who have not gone through the nine months of carrying a bundle its a gift which a husband who will usually present to their wife after they have given birth. The gift is to signify the hardship their wife will go through after labour. Well in my case, I didn't have to go through labour as I had a c-section due to my breech baby. But in general, its a husband's way of showing appreciation and gratitude to their wife for carrying the baby and giving birth with the long labour process.

So I was teasing him about not getting me a 'push gift' and he was looking all so guilty about it. To be honest, having the gift or not is not a really big deal. He has been very sweet about alot of things, although abit oblivious in the first place.

Changing diapers, bathing the baby, changing baby clothes, putting her to sleep, etc..etc...well he still needs more work but I think he does it better and better day by day. He is still a guy after all, needs more training in being delicate. That is not a natural trait in men in general.

Well, we all need training to be better mums and dads we also need to pay more attention to our children needs and our needs as well. May it be ourselves as individuals or a couple or as parents. The little things that we do, really do matter.

Sometimes paying that little bit more of attention, does go a long way.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Especially to my special H and my little E.

LOVE!

What to do about....

Something that I need to say, I have yet to complain my situation on how tough it is to be a FTWM, FTWW. Its not easy just so you know. For those out there who decidedly think that being responsible for so many is easy, well its not. I live by example. But not everyone can understand that and see that there are many hats and there is a need to understand why I am the way I am.

Am I asking for too much or am I just unrealistic? There is a reasonable level of logic to what I expect and would ask for. I do not ask for the moon. Simply a reasonable and realistic point of viewing and doing things expected of any individual. Although some people have commented that its a hard mark to live up to.

But hey, I am who I am and I did not ask anyone to be like me. That's impossible. There is no other me? =P

Facebook

For some strange reason I am unable to log into facebook at around 10pm today. It is extremely irritating. I am able to log on to many websites. Just not Facebook..so hey settle the problem ya. Add in more servers!

When she falls sick

Whenever E falls sick, I blame myself for not taking better care of her or why did I do certain things that might have caused her to fall sick. Like now after her viral infection, it spread to me and it manifest itself as a serious case of viral flu which has since spread to the whole family including my grandma who also fell sick because of it. And the because of that, E has is now down with a case of the common cold which caused her to cough, have a blocked nose which has been causing her problems sleeping at night in turn giving me problems sleeping at night So the cycle goes round and round. The gist of it all is that, could I have done better?

I thought about, along with many other things and its that I have done all that I can to the best of my abilities and I think that sometimes,by being too overprotective I might be making her weaker instead so having her go through all these minor illnesses but making sure that we send her to the Doc's (read KK or my Gp since I was a baby, yep my GP is still ard and he is now seeing the second generation.) As long as she recovers and does not fall into any serious sickness and is active and happy I think I have not neglect my job has her mom. But also to balance it, there is a need to rein in my little rascal's naughtiness (read, when she is sick, she gets pampered) after recovery I feel that no matter what as long as she is healthy and safe, I am a happy mom.

Having said that, do I think that it is my fault that she fell sick? I think I have to be more careful but I having read in a baby magazine about how a baby after falling sick to a certain illness they will develop a strong immunity against it I think I am doing quite fine but need to pay more attention to the finer details before bringing her to places again.

Feeling Down

I am feeling down..the whole reason being I am down.Sick that is. I am sick. And the only reason now I am able to type this is simply because I am feeling only mildly dizzy. I have been down for the past 2-3days and I am going back to the doc this evening for a review.

My gosh, I am feeling so so sick that I can barely open my eyes and my head hurts like its splitting open. Man..hate being sick.